Balance
By Alison Colavecchia
9.2.03 (www.slowtwitch.com)

Most of my swims, bikes and runs are there for health, fitness and fun. Now and then, though, I have a need for a workout or race that is gruelling—nothing epic, just a step up from the usual.

A couple of years ago I read a bio for one of the women entered in the Badwater Ultra who described her Badwater pursuit, indeed all of her ultra running, as an injection of suffering that, in her view, compensated in a small way for all her privilege. At first this struck me as odd. I have since come to better appreciate it. In Rohinton Mistry’s book A Fine Balance, one of the main characters has a crise de coeur. He comes to see his own life of privilege through the eyes of friends who are materially impoverished, have endured unspeakable suffering, and yet are capable of finding some joy in the most unlikely of places. In his shame, he seeks out his own balance.

One of my most memorable sessions last year in preparation for the Ironman was my final long run. It was well over 30 degrees Celsius and terribly humid. I purposely left mid-afternoon to see how I would manage in the heat. I was sweating before I started running. Because I intended this run to last for 2:45, I left an "aid station" bag in the bushes containing Gatorade, water, a banana and gel, and went on my way. Wearing my hat, sunglasses and fluid belt, sun blazing down on me, I felt like I was doing my own version of Badwater. I suffered in the most glorious of ways. Afterward, completely spent and still sweating profusely, I had the most wonderful sense of accomplishment and balance. All debts on my cosmic balance sheet of life felt paid in full.

While my life has not been without its very difficult times, in general it has been one of privilege. I have always had food on the table, clothes on my back and the encouragement and love of a wonderful and large family. We know how to love and that, in my books, earns me the status of a life privileged. Offsetting that, my social and work worlds have brought into my life many others who have not been as fortunate. How can some have so much and others so little? While I also believe in and practice other ways of being a Christian member of society to balance my moral and socially-responsible ledger, there is just something different about these physically tough sessions. They offer up a different kind of payment for all that is right and good in my life, a different kind of penance for sins of the past and present.

Perhaps there is something to the benign accusation made to me by a training partner while out on a ride a while back, that I was part Calvinist. I believe that when good things happen, around the corner awaits an unpleasantry that will set things right, keep things in balance. The long runs, the long rides, the sessions of hard 400s in the pool, hills on foot or on wheels, these are my yin and yang. I realize that many do not experience any part of their sporting life in this way, that for every pleasure there must undoubtedly come some pain. As Anthony Hopkins’ character in the movie Shadowlands stated, "The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal."

The settling of the balance sheet in a fashion that is within my control seems way more palatable. I get to decide when, where, how much and bring it to an end if it becomes too much. Of course, it is whimsical to believe that in choosing one's suffering you exempt yourself from the suffering over which you have no control. But I go there anyway, I can’t help myself.

There is much talk nowadays about balance, but in the temporal. My own homeostatic requirements are more holistic and spiritual. In my life, beyond all the other pieces, a measure of hard physical effort is required to achieve balance. This has nothing to do with offsetting a big lunch with a tempo run, or spending “X” time with my children, “Y” time at work, leaving “Z” to spend on sport. For me, there comes a point when a gruelling physical session is in order to set things right. Why sports play a role in righting my cosmic balance sheet I don’t really know. In the end, I am not so sure that I get to choose.

That’s the deal.

Still Tri’n...