Hiding

By Alison Colavecchia
12.19.01 (www.slowtwitch.com)

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that some days I hide behind the workouts. Some days, the temptation to shuffle myself off to a run, ride or swim proves too hard to resist. These are the times when I know I ought to be at home taking that unpopular stand with the kids, starting or finishing a needed argument with my husband, or addressing a dilemma related to my work. I wish I were above handling things in this way—that I had the strength of character to resist ignoring my "stuff" and instead always took the high road—but I am not. Sometimes the urge to avoid far exceeds my willingness to dive headlong into disappointing or confronting others.

Of course there are also times when I do not figure out that I should have stayed home until midway through the workout. Then I face a different dilemma. Do I stay? Or do I go? Do I finish what I came to do or do I turn around and go home/back to work right then and there? Sometimes the discomfort of knowing is too great and I cannot continue in good conscience—the workout becomes an act of selfishness and not at all in keeping with the promises I made to myself at the outset of this journey. Namely, that I would not crawl over the backs of others to get to the start line of my Ironman. At other times, I acknowledge that the damage is done and whether I am home/back to the office in half an hour or two hours from now is pretty much irrelevant. I try to use the time to consider my role in what’s occurred and where my responsibility for rectifying things lies. I am not always successful.

There are, of course, times when I need to go, and when those around me are probably glad to see me go. These are the times when my ability to be patient and persevere with the kids is just not there, when my ability to see beyond my own point of view is non-existent. At these times, it is in all our best interests for me to go and not come back until the mood is over, never mind the workout. These are the days when peace and problem-solving are better served by getting the workout done, expending the energy of frustration and gaining a fresh perspective on the issue at hand. I am always grateful when the hard physical effort nudges me beyond an impasse.

Slowly, I am learning to trust my instincts and follow through even when it means not doing a workout. Indeed, the evidence suggests that when I have done so, the next workout, the next day of training is all the more enjoyable because I have attended first to the things that really matter. But I have a way to go still, for there remain times when I go and should have stayed, and when I have stayed when I should have gone.

still tri’n...