Where am I? (aka Pep talk #1)
By Alison Colavecchia
10.8.01 (www.slowtwitch.com)

I have been trying to figure out what I need over these last few weeks. I finally decided that what I needed was a pep talk. I am guessing this will be the first of many….

You see I’m in…that is, I am registered for Ironman USA July 28, 2002. I actually registered during our summer vacation…could any two activities be more unmatched? Since then I have been on a bit of a roller coaster. No doubt some of you will have experienced your own version of this "trip" and will know of what I speak…

Since the end of July I have had occasional flashes of "Oh man, what the hell have I done?" (Excuse the language). I mosey through my days, through my piles of things to do and then whack it dawns on me- I AM REGISTERED FOR AN IRONMAN, AN IRONMAN! In one day, I am going to have to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles and then run for 26! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE MY HEAD A SERIOUS SHAKE? These thoughts inevitably lead to "How will I ever get there?" "How will I get all the homework done that I know needs to get done in order for me not to completely humiliate myself while out on the course, not completely crumble…not quit?". I got stuck here for a while actually, I lost my "Can I do this? Yes I can" mantra.

So I began addressing the problem (fear) maturely, directly and constructively––I started missing workouts. They were too real a reminder of what was looming ahead. I was hiding and procrastinating. I ate more chocolate, more chips, drank too much coffee, stayed up too late and hung out at Chapters (book store) instead of training. I was doing avoidance repeats.

And then I heard myself say, "Alison, you’re almost there. You’re halfway there… ALISON, YOU ARE REGISTERED FOR AN IRONMAN! HOW COOL IS THAT?" Several times I purposefully closed my eyes and with ease could remember just how I felt being at the half-Ironman this summer, seeing everyone getting ready, trucking along through the bike in the rain and struggling but gathering steam on the run. I loved that race, might I also love an Ironman? This got me back to drinking my herbal teas, popping my vitamins, stretching and showing up for the workouts, indeed properly planning my life so that I COULD show up for my workouts.

But then I hit another snag… Sept. 11, 2001. What on earth does an Ironman truly mean in the big scheme of things? Next to the human tragedy and suffering of this day, my Ironman became the selfish act that so many people in the media have portrayed it to be. Until then, my Ironman had been about the journey, about human potential. Looking around I have three beautiful, healthy children, a husband who loves me, whom I still love… he and I are both healthy and come home from work at the end of each and every day. We have a roof over our heads and two jobs. Isn’t that all a person should need? Why was I still chasing this dream? What exactly was the purpose in chasing an Ironman in the face of all these blessings? When put to this test, I honestly didn’t quite know where to put this Ironman thing. So I just didn’t put it anywhere. I kind of ignored it.

But I feel passionately about it, it's a dream and for some inexplicable reason there is just a part of me that I know I am supposed to go collect on an Ironman race course. So I just couldn’t ignore it any more and of course Joel was still sending me those workouts…. so….

Back to it I went. Back to writing about it, back to squeezing things in and back to simply feeling afraid about getting to the starting line. Back to lovely long fall runs and cycling amid the cornfields. Slowly, gradually, my momentum began building. In the big scheme of things, maybe my pursuing this Ironman would not solve any world problems but what if everyone could find something that they loved to do, that inspired them to be a better person––wouldn't that make the world a better place?

After making peace with the meaning thing, I found myself faced with the maintenance mode thing. Here I was registered for an Ironman but with my season winding down! My last tri was the first week of September and for a variety of reasons, I decided not to follow through with the fall marathon. I still felt I was SUPPOSED to be doing the big stuff though and yet I was still kind of inert. Maybe I should reconsider a marathon? Maybe I should do my first century? I looked around for a late season marathon to no avail! I tried to do the century and had to cut it short at 56 km (sorry Scott) due to a ripped tire and we had to call for my second "mommy rescue" (thanks Yvonne). It just wasn't meant to be. From a family perspective, this was my last chance to do a century as everyone else’s seasons were beginning––my husband and his sports, the kids and theirs. Finally, I asked Joel my burning marathon question. Do you HAVE to do a marathon before you do an Ironman? He reminded me that Luc Van Lierde didn't and he hasn't fared too badly…

So now I am trying to find a pace in maintenance mode. While waiting for the big stuff in the spring I have a strong body to build but more importantly, I have a lot of heart to maintain. For if my heart isn’t in it, then the discipline just doesn’t seem to be enough.

As for the starting line fear? This I know, from doing the half this summer, will be with me until I am actually in the water swimming on July 28th. In much the same way as delivering a healthy child is a miracle, so too is getting to the starting line of an Ironman. There are just so many things that can and do go wrong. I know my job over the next 296 days is to build my strongest possible self. But what if…

On July 28th, 2002 I will wake up and ask myself if I did my best to get to the starting line without compromising my values or beliefs, or submitting to my fears? If I can say yes to this question on the day, then no matter whether I am actually there or not, finish the race or not, or finish in under 14 hours or not, becomes immaterial. I will have the comfort of knowing I can look back on this year without regret.

So here we go….

Still Tri'n