I'm the Champ
by Jeff Henderson 3.29.05
(www.slowtwitch.com)

I've decided to set some new goals for myself this year. No longer will I be content to finish strong in my age group; no more will overall top 100 cut it. Plain and simple, I want to win it all - I want to be The Champ. And though I've never won anything in my life - not even the damn Bobbing Ducky game at the county fair - I feel fairly certain this will be my year.

Why?

Because the wondrous and all-knowing powers-that-be have decided that I will have no less than 112 opportunities to be champion of something in this, the most magical of all triathlon seasons. From regional, to national, to world and beyond, there are championships of all shapes and sizes dotting the landscape.

For instance, right here in my own backyard my beloved governing body has made it possible for me to experience the glory days. I live in the New England portion of USAT's regional demarcations, and this summer, within a couple hour's drive of home, I have twelve shots at a championship ring... er, t-shirt. I could be New England Long Course Champ. Or maybe Sprint Champ is more my style. I could get a bunch of friends together and go for the Club Championship. Those don't fit into my plans? No worries; I can still line myself up for Collegiate Champ (with the help of Photoshop and a good copier), Duathlon Champ, Ultra Champ, Aquathlon Champ, Off-Road Champ, or Intermediate Distance Champ. I don't even know what the "Intermediate Distance" is, but if they're passing the laurels around I'm in.

Across this great country of ours, USAT has bestowed Regional Championship status upon no less than 83 races in twelve different categories. That's a lot of love going around. According to the military's ad campaigns, there are 100 ways to be an army of one, but do they know that there are 2,158 age-group ways to be number 1? I may be the champ, but I can also share - you, too, can be champ right along with me.

Regional accolades might not be rich enough for my blood, however, so I'm keen to shoot a little higher. I hear USA Triathlon's national championship (which one, you say? the previously-known-as-international-distance variety) is to be contested in Missouri in August. There's no way any God-fearing human would venture to Missouri to do a triathlon in August, so I'm hedging my bets and purchasing a ticket to Bangor for September. I figure once the dust settles and a venue is finalized, I'll be the only one there and I've got a spot picked out on the wall for my shimmering, shining plaque.

I'm eyeing a couple more national championships to showcase my prodigious abilities. Ohio has both the Short and Long Championships for Duathlon, and I like corn. Arkansas has USAT's Long Course National Championships, and my game favors the heat. And who wouldn't want to be in a place called Sugarland for the National Sprint Distance Championship? So those four look good.

Perhaps to fill a gaping void in championship opportunities for the amateur athlete, Midwest Events is bringing us, for the first time, the Best of the U.S. Amateur Triathlete Competition in August. This unique concept - though still unmistakably another championship for moi - takes the top two finishers at Official State Qualifier Races - that's right, a whopping 50 more chances to be a champ - and allows them to go head-on-head for the Undisputed Unmitigated Undeniable Championship of all the other, smaller championships. Pay no mind that New Hampshire's state championship is the very same race as Maine's, Vermont's, and Massachusetts's state championship; I'm sure there will be spoils for all. Especially me.

Proving that you don't need to be a governing body to create a championship, the Ultramax folks have skillfully inserted their own fingers in the all-welcoming pie, staking claim to one of the last "standard" distances to not have their own grand finale. In September I may lend their offering credibility and head to Missouri (again) for the US Half-Iron... er, Half... Championships, right after my conquest of Bangor. I will have qualified via a Long Course Regional Championship trophy at Timberman, and that should set me up nice for the trip to Hawaii for October's World Championships. Of Ironman? Not so fast, my friend - for the ITU's variety in the Olympic Distance. I plan to stick around and take home bling-bling in the other Hawaii World Championships as well, the one in Kona. And if I've brought my A-Game, another week in paradise will see me annihilate all-comers for the XTerra World Championship. Three distances, one island chain, three more championships. This time of the world variety, the kind most befitting my pedigree.

I believe Muhammed Ali said it best: I AM THE GREATEST. But how many titles did he win? Exactly.