Meet the McMussel
by Jeff Henderson 4.1.04
(www.slowtwitch.com)

For the past two months I've been prattling on about how difficult it is to put on a race, enlist volunteers, land sponsors, yadda yadda yadda. Well not anymore, my friends! With spring and the first of April comes new blood, new excitement, and a whole new feel to our little race here in Central New York.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the McMusselman.

Our friends at McDonald's have decided the Musselman will be a fantastic venue in which to tout their world-famous lineup of burgers and fries. In exchange for exclusive sponsorship, our race now has the shimmer of world-class stature and our monetary worries are a thing of the past. How did all of this come about in two short weeks? Allow me to explain.

As with most large deals, the seeds were planted long ago - in our case, December. My aunt is a TV producer for one of the networks in New York, and as a result of her involvement in adventure racing she came into contact with Mark Burnett last summer. Mr. Burnett, as you may know, is the creator of both Eco-Challenge and the Survivor series of made-for-TV real life on CBS every Wednesday night. My aunt mentioned the Musselman project, still in its infancy, this winter and apparently it fired a creative neuron in Mr. Burnett's cranium.

Enter McDonald's. Many triathletes may be unaware of this, but our friends behind the Golden Arches have been struggling recently with how to align the McCalorie Burger with recent trends in the U.S. marketplace toward healthier fare. A line of salads, low-carb items, and leaner meat alternatives has been in the works, and this summer was meant to be the launch of a major ad campaign aimed straight at the waistline of America's heavyweights.

Now follow me here, because this is where the stars begin to align. Mark Burnett has ties at the corporate level with McDonald's, and McDonald's has not been blind to the re-emergence of Donald Trump as more than a rich bastard through The Apprentice television series. It is required watching for some classes at UPenn's Wharton Business School and we've learned some fascinating "back-room" secrets of the business world, such as you can still be wildly successful even with outrageously awful hair. But I digress.

Burnett pitched an idea to McDonald's. McDonald's liked it and threw the full weight of its corporate behemoth behind it, and the Musselman was in the middle of it all. Through luck or circumstance, we have gone from grass-roots triathlon curiosity to Major TV Happening in a few short weeks.

So what's the deal, exactly? We are now, officially, the McMusselman and the mini-McMussel. For the next 12 weeks, the McMusselman will be the ultimate training goal for 16 individuals and three celebrities taking part in their first triathlon. In a new Reality TV show coming to CBS this summer, the participants will challenge themselves, and each other, to successfully complete the half ironman race on July 11th. Their progress will be followed and scrutinized, and here's the twist - they will eat nothing but McDonald's new "healthy" offerings. Can an individual survive the rigors of triathlon training, avoid the pitfalls of competitive and conniving peers, and buck the conventional wisdom that states food from McDonald's will not leave you in a condition to watch television properly, much less exercise?

Contestants for the TV show are now being screened on the CBS website. The grand winner will be granted a McDonald's franchise, to carry on in the proud tradition of Ray Kroc. And here in Geneva we've got a new website and a new look to underline our relationship with Ronald and friends:

http://www.mcmusselmantri.com

"Our menus have been loaded with balanced meals for years," the local McDonald's franchise spokeswoman told me. "And our 'Meal Deals' always include three items - sandwich, fries, and a drink. I suppose you could say we've always been in the 'tri' business!"

The winners in all of this are the McMusselman competitors. Thanks to generous support from McDonald's, which would like to see this attain the marketing girth of Jared's Subway sandwich diet, there are no longer entry fees for the races. Our pre-race meal still features Karen "Mc"Smyers, but it will now be held at Geneva's own McDonald's branch on Route 5, complete with PlayPlace for the kids. Every aid station will be stocked with the new, healthy alternatives: white meat McNuggets, Individual Portion McSalads, Coke specially formulated for the race to remove the carbonation. Post-race awards - a Happy Meal loaded with extra fries for the post-race munchies - will be presented by none other than Ronald himself. And if this simply isn't enough already, the newly-created McMusselKids Race will be marshaled by Hamburglar and The Fry Guy. All of the fun, super-sized!

There are those who may say McDonald's has no place in serious triathlon. Fuzzy characters pushing artery-clogging beef patties is no way to introduce kids to the joys of exercise and healthy living. To this I say: "Boo on you!" This IS a great way to get kids into the sport. McSalads ARE good for you, and gosh darnit, what other race in this country is COMPLETELY FREE!?!?!?!

Ronald McDonald is the most recognizable individual in the world, after Santa Claus. If Ronald says swim, bike, and run around for a few hours, by golly there are kids out there who will do it. And if they do it, their friends might do it too. So go on, take your family to McDonald's tonight for some good old-fashioned eats. Just like generations of Americans have done, now so can you. And the best part of it all - it now fits into your training plan.