No, Virginia, there is no McMusselman
by Jeff Henderson 4.20.04
(www.slowtwitch.com)

The scam is up. There is no McMusselman. It was all a hoax.

The last installment in this series, printed April 1st, was an April Fool's joke. I tried to make my story factual enough to be plausible, but outlandish enough to not be taken seriously. Based on the emails I received, some were fooled and some were suspicious. But I did learn some important sociological lessons:

I wrote that McDonald's had become the title sponsor. As far as I can tell, this was accepted overwhelmingly. I said that Ronald would be presenting awards, and Happy Meals would be served. No one flinched. I changed our pre-race venue from a respected dining establishment to the local McDonald's franchise, and again, all calm in the water.

Then I wrote that entry would not be free, and the phones started ringing off the hooks.

"But I've already registered!" one concerned woman wrote. "Can I get a refund?!?!"

The bit about McNuggets at the aid stations proved to be my undoing, as many folks were unwilling to swallow that one. In the end, a handful of folks went home believing our sponsorship fortunes had changed dramatically, and they only clued in once their wives informed them what day it was. All except for one party...

The McDonald's Corporation. Four days after the elaborate hoax, the local franchise manager called under a heavy cloud of confusion. She had received a poor-quality fax from corporate headquarters, and didn't know anything about this local event her restaurant was supposedly supporting to the hilt. Most of my committee believed I would be sued over this charade, and now it seemed uncomfortably possible.

I explained everything. It was not meant to be taken seriously, I told her. The fax contained only a picture of the doctored website, so I told her about the article, the race, and what I had intended to be a joke.

"So you think McDonald's and its trademarks are a joke?" she jabbed.

"No, my article was a joke. And I think most people took it that way. How about I come down to the restaurant, show you the article, and explain the whole thing."

She begrudgingly agreed. Two days later, armed with the offending article, a handful of flyers, and my best Ronald happy face I strode into Geneva's franchise. Jill, the Community Relations Manager, skimmed through the article, looked me straight in the eye, and said:

"You know, most people who eat at McDonald's are not interested in eating healthy." This just in.

We had as pleasant a chat as could be expected from a small race director who had just slandered Big Brother. And in the end, Jill agreed to provide bagels, juice, and coffee for the volunteers and Hospitality Tent. The lesson learned here? Libel can work for you!

So we're back to hocking our wares on the street corner. A major emphasis remains publicizing the race, so we have placed ads in three triathlon journals: the print versions of Inside Tri Magazine and AmericanTri Magazine, and the online website xtri.com. Triathlete Magazine's rates were too rich for our puny budget's blood, and deep down I'm still not convinced this is an effective means for gaining entries. We did have a chunk of the budget set aside for ads, though, so in our first year we'll consider it an experiment for the future.

It may not be smart to add anything to our raceday schedule now, but our committee felt strongly that the entire family should be able to participate in the Musselman. It's not going to improve our bottom line and it adds a level of complexity to July 11th, but the addition of a kids race has been warmly received by the community. The MusselKids will get underway following the sprint and half-iron races we have slated, and will keep kids entirely within the confines of the State Park so traffic is not a concern. To hold a kid's race, USAT requires a separate sanction and all of the participants still need to be one-day members, so we have included the $3 fee in the entry. I am assuming that kids won't need a photo ID at registration.

Since we're putting together a first-year race with a committee composed mainly of folks unfamiliar with triathlon, most of what we have done is an educated guess to be evaluated in hindsight. One guess that has worked, and I would recommend to other RDs, is to align your race with a retail outlet of some shape or form. Our retail outlet is the Geneva Bicycle Center, brought into the fold by its owner volunteering to be our bike coordinator. Local shops can lend clout to negotiations with sponsors, credibility in the community, and sometimes products at a discount. Sponsors like to know that their product has a local outlet so the awareness nurtured by the race will reap the benefit in the days and months following. And the dealer's reps can sometimes procure items for prizes.

Along the same lines, choosing a charity as a benefit for the race can have unexpected ramifications down the line. Our chosen charity, the Boys & Girls Club of Geneva, is holding a golf tournament fundraiser in June. It is becoming more and more common for businesses that we approach as potential sponsors to decline our requests because they are already supporting the golf outing. For the first few months, being identified with a charitable cause got our event a foot in the door... now it often feels as though we are competing with ourselves.

Not to worry, though! In an entirely unsolicited email from our friends at active.com, I have been informed that I can now include exciting products in my goody bags at NO COST TO ME! The subject line did not indicate what the products would be, so I naively opened the email and discovered that all of my "male" goody bags are eligible for free samples of Nair For Men Lotion. The true and consummate Musselman can now "remove unwanted hair, exfoliate and moisturize your skin in one easy step without nicks or cuts, razor burn or in-grown hairs."

No joke.