The great documentor

04.01 by Jim Riccitello (www.slowtwitch.com)

A lot of people ask me what to do before a race to ensure a good performance. I can never come up with a definitive answer. I guess if I could I would win a lot more races. It’s weird, but what works for me at one race, doesn’t always work for the next.

I’ve researched this a lot. After every good race I’ve painfully documented everything I did, ate, said, and thought about. I even noted the clothes I wore on the plane ride to the race. Still I can’t pin down exactly what makes me have a good race. Occasionally I find a pre-race meal, a workout, or a shirt I wore on the plane, that will work for me at a few races in a row. Then for no reason whatsoever, the same meal, workout, or shirt will fail me and I’ll have a terrible race. For this reason, I’ve decided it’s too hard to document what produces a good performance.

What produces a bad race, on the other hand, is pretty easy to document. I know this to be true because I’ve documented it. I’m quite the documentor (I made this word up), I must say. I’ve found, through my extensive documentation, that if something causes a bad race once, without exception it will cause a bad race again...and again...and again. Only a documentor as skilled as myself could know such a thing. This is because in order to collect the documents, if you will, the documentor must try the thing that produces a bad race again...and again...and again. It takes a special type of person (pighead); a very skilled documentor (pighead), to be dumb enough to do something that caused a bad race once, and then try the same thing again. I am that person.

To spare you some bad races, I will share my list of ten things not to do before a race. Once again, the research has been done...and done...and done. Do not do these things. I hope this helps.

1. Don’t eat these things the night before a race:

• Large quantities of salad or raw veggies. This creates much turbulence in your digestive tract come race morning. Also creates a very disturbing sight for the person in line behind you at the port-o-john. Just have a small salad...please.
• Beans and garlic. Very combustible. Especially when eaten together. I once (okay, more than once) ate too many garlic spiced refried beans before a race in Mexico. At the port-o-johns in the morning, I had people ducking for cover.
• Too many energy bars. You may as well put a cork in it. I once got stranded traveling the day before a race. I had lots of energy bars for lunch and dinner. Not only was I bloated and cranky during the race, but I was frustrated in the bathroom for a week and a half. Just have one...two, max. If you have more than two, take some ex-lax with it.
• Bran cereal. I love cereal. Once when I didn’t have much money, less than I do now, I took four of those little tiny cereal boxes and some milk from the free continental breakfast the hotel provided, to have for dinner. By the time I finished breakfast, the only little tiny cereal boxes left were bran cereal. Beggars can’t be choosers. I ate them for dinner. Don’t ever do this.

1. Don’t forget what time zone you’re in when you’re setting the alarm clock the night before a race. It feels very weird when you think it’s 5:00 a.m. and it’s really 7:00 a.m. It feels even worse when you realize that you have an hour till the race starts.
2. Don’t take a short-cut to the race site (because you’re late because you set your alarm clock wrong because you forgot what time zone you were in). It’s never shorter.
3. Don’t wear brand new shoes the day of the race. Your dogs (feets) will never forgive you.
4. Don’t try out new equipment the day of the race. It never works the way it does while you’re trying it out for the first time the day before the race. NEVER.
5. Don’t go straight from a night club that closes at 4:00 a.m. to the race site. Dancing is not a good pre-race warm-up. And beer and chicken wings are not a good pre-race meal.
6. Don’t forget to remember everything you will need before, during, and after the race. It will help if you start to remember the day before the race, instead of ten minutes before you head to the race site.
7. Don’t unbuckle your helmet strap before you get off your bike if you’re doing a triathlon. You’ll get DQ’d and it may cost you a Mazda Miata. And don’t cuss out a race official. It may cost you $24,000. Yes, I found these out the hard way.
8. Don’t say anything like: "Jeez, I haven’t had a flat tire in a long time." These types of phrases cause severe bad-karmic reactions. Believe me on this one.
9. Don’t forget to enjoy yourself. If you’re having fun, you always have a good race regardless of how well you do.