Riccitello

I recently read an article on the good habits of successful athletes. It was a good article, I guess. It's just that I think I'm a successful athlete, yet I didn't have any of the good habits listed. Did this mean I'm not as successful as I think I am? Probably.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized none of the successful athletes I know possessed these good habits. In fact, all of the successful athletes I know have more bad habits than good. So I've come up with a more accurate assessment of successful athletes. Here it is.

Bad habits of "successful" athletes:

1. Not being able to carry on a conversation about anything other than training. Regardless of the topic of conversation, the "successful" athlete will always bring up some aspect of training, including but not limited to: methods, times, diet, technology, nutrition, and equipment. And while talking about training, the successful athlete will always talk loud enough so that anyone within earshot and beyond will realize that the person talking is in fact a "successful" athlete. You know you're having a conversation with a "successful" athlete if the conversation goes something like this:

"Can you believe Bill Clinton? How can you smoke marijuana and not inhale?'"
"Well it's kind of like the other day. I was running along at six minute pace, and all of the sudden I'm short of breath. Usually I can run six minute pace pretty easily....if I don't cramp up that is. I think it had something to do with my switching from a 60-25-15 diet, to a 40-30-30. Know what I mean?"

2. Excessive eating / Eating like a pig. To the "successful" athlete, eating is just another event. When food is served, eating begins. No talking. There is no savoring of the food. No enjoying the culinary delights. No manners. The food is shoveled in with incredible urgency. And then, when the "successful" athlete is finished eating (30 minutes before you are), they longingly stare at your plate, waiting and watching for any weakness or sign that you will surrender your sustenance. If you allow the slightest opening, they lurch across the table and greedily spear the food you have in your plate. It's a disgusting display. The way the successful athlete eats is disgusting too. There are lots of noises usually only heard at your dog's bowl in the morning, and no effort to keep the mouth closed while chewing. No stopping to wipe food parts off the mouth. All drools and slobbers are left on the facial area until the meal is totally finished. The longer it takes the athlete to wipe off the food residue following a meal, the more "successful" the athlete. I once asked a very (no kidding) "successful" athlete, "Jeez, man. Do you have to make that much noise when you eat? Can't you close your mouth, or something?" "You know," he said. "I just don't enjoy my food unless I eat this way." Whatever.

3. Gas, and the need to expel it. Only in situations of utmost importance, such as the first meeting of a loved one's parents, is any effort ever made to hold the gas. I've been told by "successful" athletes that the holding of gas robs the athlete of valuable energy, not to mention the fact that the retention of these noxious gases contaminates the muscles and slows the metabolism.

4. Refusing to accept anyone else's pace (and/or half-wheeling). Regardless of the dynamics of the training group, the "successful" athlete always feels the need to dominate the pace of the workout so it suits his or her needs. Example:

"Hey John. We've got a nice group of people doing an easy social run this Saturday. Want to join us?"
"Sure. I could use an easy run. I've been training so hard lately; you wouldn't believe it if I told you. So I'm tired, and I couldn't run hard if I tried. Yes, I'll go. An easy run will do me good."

Then, from the gun, the "successful" athlete proceeds to force the pace and run at least 30 yards in front of the group. The farther this person runs in front of the group, the more "successful" the athlete.

5. Three words: excuses, excuses, excuses. The "successful" athlete has an excuse for every occasion. The most common excuse used by the "successful" athlete is the "I would've done great, but......" excuse. Example:

"John, how'd you do in the 10 km race this weekend?"
"Man, I was kicking butt. I think I would've won. I was on like, 30 minute pace for a while, until I cramped up."
"Well what was your time?"
"I don't know, 37 or 38. It was a pretty good cramp, though."

The bigger the gap from the time they said they were going to get, and the time they actually got, the more "successful" the athlete.

6. Foot odor. I realize this isn't a bad habit, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Most "successful" athletes have stanky feet. And it's not gender specific.

7. Endless quoting of ESPN's Sports Center. The "successful" athlete will constantly use quotes picked up from watching Sports Center (must-see-TV inbetween workouts). He/she will sometimes watch three episodes in a row of Sports Center. He/she will say things like: "He----could----go----all----the----way!" "Straight butter!" "How you gonna play me, kid!?" "Must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that." "Boooyah!" "He was gettin' jiggy with it."

The greater the repertoire of quotes, the more successful the athlete.

So there you have it, the top seven bad habits of "successful" athletes. I would have listed more, but I didn't want to give away all my secrets.