Bill Simmons, ESPN's The Sports Guy, tweeted today, as he often does in his stylistic homage to Roland Hedley's otherwise inimitable style.

The difference: Hedley took English 101.

Simmons' tweet of today: Thanks to the LA Triathalon for ruining any chance anyone had to drive around the city this morning.

Bill... You're the sports guy? Life's rough when no copy editor has your back, and when you tweet you're flying without a net. Still, with only 140 characters to husband...

This is the problem with ESPN, and its gaggle of jock-sniffers. Sport to ESPN's commentators and columnists is relegated to the three-and-a-half major pro league activities. But ESPN has quietly grown its stable of endurance-related sites. Note its high school track and field site, through its acquisition of Dyestat.com. Even if ESPN's cadre of semi-famous team sport troglodytes don't know how to spell the names of Olympic and endurance sports, at least those who sign their paychecks do.

The above criticism is only fair assuming a professional tweeter's brain is working on all 8 cylinders or, at least, all 4. Spelling is a casualty of dementia. Non-genetic risk factors include obesity, high blood pressure, lack of exercise, and a low educational level, an aggregation commonly noted on ESPN 2, 3, and upward.

I'm not usually one for giving advice when it is not asked for, but, perhaps rather than attempting to navigate around and through the course in your car, best to consider navigating over the course via swim, bike and run. These three sports and the attendant lifestyle springing therefrom are known to decrease dementia's risk factors, and increase the capacity to function in a job that requires specific skills.

Like spelling.

Given the green light by you, Bill—and if you're serious, because this would cost me a lot of time and somebody (not you) several thousand dollars—I'll arrange for a free entry into next year's L.A. Triathalon. I'll sit you aboard a bike I'll provide—that you can keep as long as you don't backslide—I'll arrange a properly-fitting, appropriately warm and fast wetsuit, I'll introduce you to the right master's swim coach and team in your area, and I'll slide the most appropriate running shoes on your feet. I'll also lend you my copy of Strunk & White.

Your call, big boy.